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I frequently get messages from people who are tired and feel consumed by emotions of hurt, frustration and sometimes anger.

I answered one such email in the video below.

When I work with clients, one of the things I suggest is to be aware of what they want and what they’re focused on.

In a relationship that’s going a little sour, you tend to focus on the stuff that doesn’t feel good. It’s like a mosquito bite that itches like crazy and it’s hard to think of anything else. The incessant itching drives you nuts.

That’s what it’s like when irritations happen in a relationship, they’re what you focus on.

You start to blame one another for what’s happening and resentments start to build. With mounting resentments and blame you start a downward spiral of negative thoughts and emotions that play off each other until it gets to the point where there’s massive disconnection. And diminished sex.

Should you stay or should you go?

It comes down to this question…

What do you really want, and what are you actually focusing on?

If part of you wants to stay but you’re focusing on the irritations – the mosquito bites – then it’s like playing tug of war. You’re in the middle, being pulled in two directions and feeling stuck.

I won’t advise you to stay or go (unless you’re in an abusive situation) but I can help you to get clear – I’m an intimacy expert, it’s what I do.

If you want to intimately connect again, in either this relationship or another one, you need to have a strong intimate connection with yourself first.

When something irritates you ask yourself, “Why is this making me feel bad?” “What is it about this?” “What can I learn and how can I grow?”

And I recommend that you create a new habit of focusing on all the things that you do appreciate about your partner. The more you focus on the good things the closer you’ll feel and that can provide the base for shifting from disconnection to connection.

You always attract to you the perfect person that shines a light on the areas inside of yourself that need to heal. That’s part of the purpose of relationships. They push your buttons to nudge you to grow.

I can’t tell you whether to stay or go, but I can tell you this: If you don’t work on all the frustrations, hurts, negative thoughts and limiting beliefs, you’ll carry it forward into the next relationship and probably find yourself in a familiar pattern to what you’re in now.

Should you stay or should you go? Either way, working on intimacy is the first step. Click To Tweet

Leave or stay? Either way, working on intimacy is the first step. Because intimacy is the gateway to great sex and love that lasts, and that starts with intimately knowing yourself.

Live a happy, sexy life!

Dr. Gayle Friend

p.s. Do you want to learn how to make love great? In this relationship or the next? Then join the Facebook group Make Love Great. It’s a community I’m hosting for people dedicated to creating joyful, fulfilling relationships. We’re going to have so much fun!