Let me tell you about a real life couple who worked past what they both thought was low libido and ended up having not only a rich sex life but a happier marriage as well. I’ll call them Kim & John.
John approached me because he missed having sex with his wife. The amount of times they were sexual with each other had dwindled down to only once or twice a year. He was sad, hurt, and angry, and felt completely undesired. He buried most of these emotions and did his best to be happy with their friendship-only love life.
Kim on the other hand revealed that she didn’t actually miss sex. At the same time she felt guilty that she didn’t feel any sexual desire. She felt shame, thinking there was something wrong with her. She loved him but wasn’t attracted to him anymore.
John had deep desire for her but he had lost his confidence and didn’t know how to approach her, so he basically stopped because her rejection hurt too much. Kim felt relief that he wasn’t approaching her and said she felt content with their sexless marriage – but that was only on the surface!
Even though they were friends and had a great time together neither of them was fulfilled. They felt empty, and their sadness and longing was palpable.
The clues and answers to sexual concerns lay in the depths.
This is beyond common. One partner feels undesired and the other feels guilt and/or shame for not wanting to have sex. These are very hard thoughts and emotions to live with. The solutions are rarely as simple as learning where and how to touch your partner to turn them on.
Low libido is the source of a tremendous amount of grief for many couples. But what most don’t know is there’s a big difference between low libido and low desire for sex.
In working together we went below the surface. It turned out that Kim wasn’t as content as she first claimed to be. She was resentful and angry about John’s socks.
His dirty socks that were everywhere in the house, resting wherever he had taken them off.
So what does this have to do with sex and her lack of desire?
Well everything and nothing at all. She’d been asking him for years to not leave his socks everywhere. He felt like it was just one of his quirks and that he was a pretty great husband in many other ways.
But this is how Kim described it “The more I have to pick up his socks the more I feel like his mom. It’s like having a kid to clean up after.”
Boom! There it was. The ah-ha!
Not only did she feel like he didn’t care about what mattered to her, she felt like his mom and he was a kid.
Now unless you’re into that whole incest thing, or having sex with a minor thing (and I dearly hope you’re not), the idea of having sex with your own kid who you feel doesn’t care about what matters to you, is more than a little off putting.Great sex is about more than getting naked and rolling around in the sheets. Click To Tweet
There were a few other areas of intimacy that also needed addressing. We went below the surface, past blame and resentments, in each area. Can you guess what John started doing? Can you guess what Kim let go of? Can you guess what that eventually led to?
They each practiced letting go of their limiting beliefs and old hurts. They each learned not only how to love better but how to make love great. They each began showing up authentically with ease. Together they started enjoying each other and life more fully.
It was never low libido and it wasn’t really about the socks. It was what was going on below the surface.
Dr. Gayle Friend