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There’s a notion out there that women are emotionally focused and for the most part men are like machines who can be turned on by flicking a switch. This is a narrow view of men and women that’s dangerous when it comes to sex and sexuality. I’ve heard far too much demonizing of men, as in: “All he wants is sex!”

This is not true of any of the men I talk to or have as clients. Men are not machines. Their sexual desire has the same elements as women – libido, erotic script, and intimacy. Most of the men I talk to are starved for intimacy but they haven’t been taught how to deeply connect with their own emotions or women. It doesn’t mean they don’t have emotional needs.

Men are not erection producing machines. They are whole beings with tender hearts and egos. Click To Tweet

Men who are lonely and missing intimacy will often turn to sex as a way of seeking connection with their partner. It doesn’t mean that sex is all they want. It means that through the physical intimacy of sex they can more easily tune into their hearts and become more emotionally focused with their partner.

Women are being directed to take charge more often. To initiate sex so their partner feels desired. But it’s not enough and I hear women complain that they’re showing up ready for sex but being rejected because he’s not in the mood.

Women are confused about why they’re being rejected because they’ve only been given part of the equation and are fed a narrow view of male sexuality.

Men may turn to sex for connection sometimes but it doesn’t mean they’re always ready for sex. If a man feels unimportant, overly criticized or rejected he hurts. Deeply.

When anyone regardless of gender, age or anything else feels disconnected it can bring about feelings of anxiousness or depression because we’re hardwired for connection. Physiologically these states inhibit our sexual desire, arousal and sexual responses.

Every human on the planet craves connection at a primal level. We thrive with deep attachment and the security it brings.

When I work with couples I use emotionally focused exercises to help them tune into each other and connect. They begin to feel safe and relaxed with each other and from this place they feel free to explore sexually with one another.

This type of intimacy is the gateway to great sex. It’s intimacy coupled with eroticism that increases sexual desire.

Live a happy, sexy life!

Dr. Gayle Friend

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