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Comparisons are a part of life. And they work in our favor when comparing prices and quality to get the best deal or value. But when you compare your love life to that of another, you’re destroying your relationship and sexuality.

When you compare your love life to that of another, you’re destroying your relationship and sexuality.

Flipping through a used book recently, I found a love note tucked inside the pages. It was nothing fancy, just a heart and initials scrawled on a note-size piece of paper.

It made my heart sing and I started thinking about my own love life. I’ve always loved love notes.

I don’t care if it’s a text or hand written, full sentences or shorthand, or something as simple as the note I found. I love, love notes.

But there was a time in my past that finding this same note would have sent me in a downward spiral of comparisons. When our marriage was on the rocks I would see a couple in love and feel really lousy about my own situation. I’d be envious of those who had what I wanted so desperately. And the kicker to this is that I wasn’t writing love notes either. I was waiting for him to change first. I was comparing how much effort he was putting in, to how much I was putting in. Needless to say, it did nothing for our relationship.

The more I focused on how bad things were, that was all I could see and it was all I got back in return. Comparisons destroy relationships. And they destroy your sexuality.

It can be hard to see sexuality and relationships portrayed in entertainment media and not be affected by it. It can be difficult to hear ‘locker room talk’ about the perfect pussy or penis size and not wonder how you compare or measure up. And don’t get me started on Hollywood’s depiction of what a ‘real’ orgasm looks and sounds like.

We are all born to experience joy and love in every aspect of who we are. And we’re meant to share that joy and love with others. But it’s almost impossible if you compare your love life to anyone else’s.

Out of a need for self-preservation we shut ourselves down. We shut ourselves off from our sexuality which is meant to be embraced and celebrated. We disconnect from our own true selves, and from our partners, instead of uniting in harmony. We cut ourselves off from joy and love.

Old hurts, pain and trauma (the small traumas right along with the big ones) hold us back and we live small. Then from that small place, that hurt place, that place of little confidence – we compare. And not only do we shed a negative light on our partners, but we shed a harshly negative light on ourselves.

All of this self-loathing and demonizing our partners, even to a small degree, knocks the hell out of any chance of true passion and pleasure.

So, what’s the antidote to these long-established habits of comparison?

In a word – intimacy! To intimately connect with your partner (or a future partner) you have to intimately connect with yourself first – body, mind, heart and spirit. This is where the work starts with my clients and this is what their success is based in.

It’s learning self-love and acceptance. It’s undoing all the damage from past pains. It’s tuning into you authentically and unapologetically. It’s ditching old patterns that you may not even be aware are destroying not only your relationship and sexuality but also your spirit – your zest for life!

Love notes aren’t what ignites passion or romance between two people. The love you show yourself, by learning to love you, is what fuels the inspiration that love notes are written from. It’s the emotion that counts above all – and that comes from intimately connecting with yourself first.

Your genitals are perfect just as they are. Place one hand on them and the other on your heart and send them some love. Never, ever compare. Your genitals are worthy of joy and love – they are after all an intrinsic part of who you are.

Comparisons destroy relationships. And they destroy your sexuality. Click To Tweet

Whether you’re single or in a relationship and going through some tough stuff – if you hold love in your heart, you won’t be lured into comparisons. Making love to all of you is part of how you make love great! In your relationship and with your sexuality.