There’s an old saying that states ‘change is the only constant’. This is true in every context of life including sex. What we find arousing, how we express ourselves sexually and even our level of sexual desire ebbs and flows throughout our lifetime. Heck, it can even shift from day to day, let alone year to year.
The number of circumstances that affect your sexuality is vast and complex at best. At its worst, confusing and demoralizing.
At the beginning of November my husband severely aggravated an old sports injury. He was completely incapacitated. Any mobility of his right shoulder or arm resulted in excruciating pain. High dose anti-inflammatories only somewhat eased his suffering.
He slowly recovered from the major pain over three long (for both of us) months. February was a transition month of getting back to his old self while navigating the long-lasting residual effects of nerve damage.
Sex was missing from our relationship for various reasons during this time and we’d lost our mojo.
- Pain – whether it’s physical or emotional wreaks havoc on sexuality.
- Anti-inflammatories inhibit erections. (Other medications, not related to our particular situation, affect desire, performance & enjoyment)
- Fear (on my husband’s part) that his circumstance might be permanent – prevented him from connecting to his confidence.
- Stress (on my part) about his health, taking on everything household as well as work – took its toll on my own sexual mojo.
These factors are very common and widespread contributors to people missing sexual connection, but it’s not an inclusive list. We are all intricately connected to our sexuality. It’s not separate from us and therefore anything and everything can affect it. There is rarely only one reason that your sex life goes AWOL.
Understanding there is an ebb and flow to your sexuality – and staying focused on moving forward is how you make love great. Keep repeating, ‘Change is the only constant. With care and attention, this too shall pass.’
Even though three months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, we still had to overcome the effects those factors had on our sex life.
“Sex is perfectly natural but it’s not always naturally perfect” – Janice Epp Ph.D. We reminded ourselves of this quote as we fumbled and bumbled our way back to great sex.
Fear had messed with my husband’s confidence and he felt like an awkward teenager. Especially because he still had limited sense of touch and mobility of his right hand.
Accumulated stress meant I had to consciously will myself to unwind so I could be present and relax into feeling sexual. Getting our mojo back took focused attention.
Which reminds me of the adage, ‘use it or lose it’. We literally had to practice being lovers again. It was uncomfortable at first. We were clumsy. Our minds were in overdrive with anything but erotic thoughts. But we didn’t give up. Through perseverance and allowing ourselves to laugh at the missteps we regained the great sex that was temporarily missing from our relationship.
So, here are my words of wisdom to you. If your love life isn’t all you want it to be there are a few things to consider.
- There is almost always more than one contributing factor to look at and overcome.
- You need to look at what is causing you to not be able to show up fully.
- Patience, practice and a dash of humor go a long way to easing tension and having fun.
- You might need some outside help to get your mojo back.
- It’s worth the short-term effort for the long-term gain of a great sex life.
This is all part of how you make love great.
p.s. If this rings true and you want to know more. Contact me here.