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Have you ever wondered what a healthy relationship looks like? Or more importantly, if it’s possible to make yours one?

To start with – yes you can! But it comes with a caveat and I’m not going to sugar coat it: You can if you both want it, are willing to take the first step toward it, then stick with it – you can transform your relationship.

A healthy relationship can be defined in many ways by many people but at its core each definition has one thing in common: The partners have created a safe haven for each other – body, mind, heart and spirit. They feel securely connected and know they can rely on each other.

Feeling securely connected in your relationship creates safety, peace and ease.

The benefit of developing a healthy relationship is that you feel joy. You feel at home in each other’s arms and soothed by your partner’s voice and touch. You feel open and welcome renewed erotic sex.

So if that’s possible then how do you create it?

My clients start by learning that the first and most important step to creating a healthy relationship and erotic sex life is to get curious! Decide if you’re tired of being where you are and if you’re ready and willing to change it. Identify what you individually bring to the table. We all have a tendency to interact in a particular and somewhat habitual way in our relationships.

Based on these brief descriptions, which is your primary tendency? Do you have a secondary one?

Secure: You easily reach out to and welcome your partner. You feel connected and know you can rely on them – body, mind, heart & spirit. This is the primary tendency of a people in a safe, healthy relationship.

If you don’t feel secure chances are you feel any or a combination of: tense, anxious, wary, resentful, angry, scared, defeated, helpless, frustrated etc. Then you tend to:

Push: You demand, push and/or challenge your partner out of a longing for closeness. This happens when you feel like you can’t reach your partner or they aren’t there for you. Or it feels like you’re doing ‘all’ the relationship work.

Pull: You shut down any feelings of needing or longing for closeness to avoid feeling hurt. You’re social but withdraw emotionally with your partner. You feel pressured or backed into a corner. Or it feels like you can’t do anything ‘right’.

Push/Pull: You have a combination of push and pull tendencies. You long for connection but pull back when your partner reaches out. You don’t quite trust either them or that you’re safe to relax with them. Your partner feels like they’re getting mixed signals. You might feel skeptical about opening fully.


What if your tendency to push or pull comes from fear? What if it comes from a primal fight, flight or freeze response to that fear? What if your partner feels the same way but responds differently? Hmmmm

You are hard wired for secure connection. We all are. We have a primal response when our security feels threatened.

Recognize that you’re both reacting to each other based on a fear of losing connection. It’s a primal response! Relationships will always push your buttons. There will be glitches, but what I’m talking about here are chronic tendencies of how you interact.

Over time your tendency to push or pull has trained your mind to be wary. At the same time your body has grown accustom to feeling tense and it gets harder to relax into a loving or sexy state with your partner.

If you are accustomed to feeling tense it’s hard to relax into a loving or sexy state. Click To Tweet

To develop a ‘Secure’ primary tendency and create a healthy relationship start by identifying the little ways you either push or pull. Talk to each other and make it a NO blame conversation. This is both of you working toward changing the pattern you’re stuck in – by working as a team.

Live a happy, sexy life!

Dr. Gayle Friend

p.s. This is a brief glimpse into my Get Close & Intimate program. Click here for more information.