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Ultimately the reason most people have sex (outside of procreation) is because they want to feel good. Some want to feel good physically, some want to feel more connection.

But sex and relationships are complex and often our reasons for wanting to have sex can affect our sexual pleasure.

We are emotional beings and whether we’re aware of them or not, our emotions drive us. Every single thing we want, crave or desire is because we think that by having it – it will make us feel good. Or we avoid it because we think it will make us feel bad. And that includes sex.

There are a vast number of reasons why people have sex and each reason has an emotional base.

Here are just a handful of common motivations for sex:

  • To reduce stress
  • To get revenge (usually after a betrayal)
  • To validate ones sexuality
  • Sex as a measure of self-worth
  • To exert control or power over another
  • To enhance emotional connection
  • Out of duty or guilt
  • Peer pressure
  • To manipulate (using sex as a bargaining chip or using manipulation to get someone in the sack)
  • To play and explore sexuality
  • To avoid emotional connection (as a replacement for emotional intimacy or sex to compensate for a fear of emotional intimacy)

Or perhaps you avoid sex altogether because being sexual doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or your partner or your relationship.

This is only a smattering of the number of reasons out there.

Because our motivations for having sex, and our emotional experience of it, are so complex there is really no way to call any one of these things normal or to label them. They are simply common. How you feel individually and how your partner(s) feel is what is most important. Everyone is unique.

Bottom line: the reason for having sex (or not) is motivated by a desire to feel good. Click To Tweet

One of the first things I help my clients with is being intimately aware of themselves and their reasons and intentions so they can experience more sexual pleasure.

Reasons motivated by fear, worry, anger, guilt, shame etc. can feel good physically but it’s usually temporary and passes.

If however your reasons for having sex spark imagination, creativity, passion and joy for all parties involved, then lasting physical and emotional pleasure will usually follow.

This blog is a small excerpt from a webinar I hosted only for members of the Make Love Great facebook group. You belong if you want to increase sexual desire & pleasure, communicate openly with ease and enjoy close emotional connection.

Together let’s make love great in and out of the bedroom.


Dr. Gayle Friend